In these last years of therapy I have seen very diverse problems and situations, but there are two issues that are repeated a lot. On the one hand of addiction (alcohol, marijuana, food,…) and on the other, the fact of the constant need for external validation.
Before continuing and explaining what unites both, I should mention that I am not dedicated to addiction therapy, but they arise again and again collaterally and sometimes hinder the progress of the therapy, which is why I wanted to focus on it.
Nowadays we're used to seek external validation , for example, “likes” on social networks, liking potential partners, just for the sake of liking them and without any intention of commitment, achieving professional success, attracting attention, or achieving sporting achievements, it can be in any area.
Since we are born, both at school and in our family, academic or sporting successes are valued more than our way of being, educators in turn are so focused on their own lives, due to the type of hyperproductive society that we have created, where validation only comes when we show some achievement. All this seasoned by a constant advertisement bombing that pressures us to “have-buy” very focused on physical appearance and how you show yourself to the world. Finally our self-esteem is based on this external validation, and if we don't have it, we begin to suffer, like when we suffer from withdrawal.
That's where we become “addicted” to external validation. We think we are in control, because we know how to get this validation, but it really controls us.
More and more people have some type of addiction, whether to food, marijuana, or another substance. In this case, the person also tries to control their discomfort or fear of discomfort, avoiding facing the situations that arise, even if it is just facing the truth. Also here people often say “I control” what I take, when the simple fact of needing to escape or seek immediate gratification, what really controls is the addiction. Here too we have surrendered our responsibility for our lives to a substance that has taken control.
If as children they had validated our way of being, they had validated our mistakes, our learning, our path, showing us unconditional love and acceptance, we would not “need” so much external validation. We would have learned to accept each other, be vulnerable, love each other, share and care for each other. But as I said before, our culture is dominated by the belief that validation of one as a person comes from outside and it is not only in the family, it is the entire society, because even parents with all the love in the world have their own expectations and pressures they can't let go. And the fact of demanding and valuing our successes as children is because they believe that they are helping us to survive in this world, to be better and to earn a living.
Commenting that there is nothing wrong with obtaining external validation and that it is even necessary, because we live in society and are social beings. The problem arises when this is the only type of validation we know and we are unable to connect with our inner world, learn to know ourselves, regulate ourselves and validate ourselves.
Even if it is true that in part parents are helping us by paying attention to our achievements, children should also learn to know how to be sad, fail, learn from failure, know how to get bored, wait, and have these emotions validated by parents and our society, without judging, criticizing or analyzing. There is no achievement possible without prior failure, errors or frustration.
In one way or another, we all have our “addictions”, that protective space where our ego seeks to be validated or seen, cured, to avoid “suffering”. Since effort involves some suffering or sacrifice, it is that part that we want to avoid and so we give control to our bad habits, substances, or impulses. Do you know your “addiction”?
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